As a child, I came into this world a curious and sensual being who loved creativity, magic, and exploring nature. I felt no shame delighting in the things that brought me joy or seeking ways to meet my needs for pleasure and connection. In many ways I had a wonderful childhood and benefited from the privileges of being raised in a loving, white, middle-class family. But unfortunately, once I began school in a conservative religious environment, it didn’t take me long to become indoctrinated with the belief that I was sinful and flawed for being a sensual, outspoken and larger bodied female. Every day for ten years I sat in religion class at Catholic school, as my impressionable mind was being molded and conditioned to believe that all types of pleasure were sinful because they were “of the flesh.” By age 8, purity culture was already heavily ingrained in my mind and body. I believed that all sexual activities besides heterosexual marital relations intended for procreation were evil, and that as the most holy of virtues for women were purity and subservience. What made it worse was the emphasis on the temptation of the female body and how as girls we were to be as modest as possible as to not cause the men around us to fall into sin, (hello, rape culture.) Meanwhile, outside of school I was being exposed to a hyper sexualized, fatphobic and ego driven society which taught me that value and power for a woman comes from her beauty, “perfect” body, sexual appeal and ability to please men. Even though these messages were quite polarized, they carried a similar undercurrent: in order to be loved and valued as a female, I needed to be small. Being in a bigger body, aware of my sexuality, and having no examples of females in positions of spiritual authority left me feeling as though I didn’t belong in culture or in church. The older I became, the more I was exposed to abusive and ignorant dogma in religion, the medical industry, and mainstream media. As a result, I deeply internalized toxic shame and perfectionism. I experienced an extreme split in my young psyche: part of me believed that my earthly body was dangerous, unclean and needed to be controlled like a sinful wild animal under threat of being “kicked out of the garden.” Another part of me could feel the power and pleasure of my sexual nature but had no healthy examples of how to embody or integrate that power without causing harm to myself and others. Due to the psychological, spiritual and emotional trauma rooted in my shame and guilt, I felt disconnected from all “parts” of myself. Eventually I began to experience chronic anxiety and formed a binge/restrict relationship to money, food and sexuality. This led me down a decades long path of yo-yo dieting, disordered eating and sabotaging behaviors. By high school I was in a constant state of stress and dissociation from my body. Having abandoned my true identity, I did everything I could to fit in and survive. This meant I was often giving away my power, seeking validation from people who had little to no respect for me or my boundaries. While I was thirsty for intimacy and connection, I didn’t know what healthy boundaries or intimacy looked like. For years I lived in fear of judgement, rejection and the abuse of my peers and authority figures. A number of life-changing events left me in a deep, dark night of the soul. My concepts and understanding of love, trust and reality had been completely shattered. I continued to keep myself small, settling for scraps of affection and pleasure, unhealthy relationships. I was not investing in my dreams and creative gifts or loving acts of self-care. IMG-7206.JPGIMG-1703.JPGIMG_6058.jpgIMG_6057.jpgIMG-7517.JPG After the traumatic birth of my daughter at the age of 20, followed by the end of my first marriage, I had hit my rock bottom. Feeling incredibly lost and confused, I was desperate to find a deeper understanding of my human existence. I longed to find safety, sacredness and connection, especially in the realm of my sexuality. I found myself seeking answers in healing tools, therapies, and spiritual understanding. Unfortunately, like many other individuals who carry trauma, I grew stuck in practices of ungrounded, disembodied belief systems that encouraged spiritual bypassing in pursuit of “transcendence.” What I really needed were the somatic healing techniques and therapies that could help me on my path of emotional processing. Thankfully, once I began seeing a trauma specialist, I also started exploring yoga and was able to engage in my self-care better than ever before. During my 7 years of confusion, energy healing was the most life-changing for me of all the spiritual practices that I encountered. It was the first tool I discovered that taught me how to nurture myself. It gave me the space to tap into my emotional body and begin processing the pain I had carried for decades. I was experiencing the healing power of a calm nervous system for the first time. In 2012 I became certified in Reiki levels I & II and received my Reiki Master certification in 2014. Since then, I have formed a unique style of energy healing sessions, weaving in sound healing, guided visualization, and working with the elements. In 2017 I discovered the Body Positive, Body Neutral, and Health At Every Size movements. They helped me to drastically decondition my internalized weight stigma and set me on a path of intuitive eating with a holistic and intuitive approach to health. I was so grateful to be connecting with a group of people who shared similar experiences, and the experience of knowing that I wasn’t alone. Yet, I still dealt with chronic anxiety and dissociation from my body. I felt unable to be vulnerable or intimate with my partner and found myself stuck in a mindset of scarcity, where I was blocked off from my sexuality, creativity and abundance. As I became aware that the stress and trauma from my adolescence, the birth of my daughter, and even my ancestral trauma was still very much alive in my body, I sought out healing through sexual and somatic modalities. I resonated so much with the Tantric teachings that I was reading about, and decided to attend the Institute of Authentic Tantra®, hoping to dive deeply into the practice. After 11 months, 500 hours of intensive practice and training in tantra and sexology, and 40 hours of verbal instruction and visual demonstration, I received certification as an Authentic Tantra® practitioner and became an ACS Certified Sexologist. My journey with tantra has been one of coming home to myself and reconnecting with the wellspring of creativity, pleasure, and sacredness that I believe exists within each person. For most of my life I struggled to be present in my body; my self-image was linked to my physical appearance and I saw myself through the internalized projections of others. As I connected deeply with myself, my focus shifted away from obsession over how I looked and the opinions of others. I now realized how open, safe and satisfied I could feel in my body. This radically expanded my experience of pleasure, personal expression, spirituality, and my relationship to nature. I realized that my self-image was entirely influenced by the way I felt inside and nothing to do with my actual weight or physical appearance. After years of trying to transcend or heal by “rising above” my pain, I finally discovered a path that led me into a deep union with my body. Resting in a space of true incarnation, it was there that I reconnected to my soul and was able to hear the voice of my authentic needs, honor my desires and define my boundaries. 47276760_1081585945354282_2117811565787873280_n.jpg47238370_1081585968687613_835746282990469120_n.jpg I have come to believe that emotional safety, connection, and pleasure are our birthright. I believe that there is infinite potential for more depth, growth, and transformation on our path of evolution. The tools I use for myself and that I share with others have taught me the power of dancing with polarity; how to transmute painful emotions into creative inspiration, how to give and receive intimacy while retaining sovereignty, how to care for my nervous system and connect with my body, the power of radical acceptance and that pleasure is a potent medicine. I offer embodiment tools which support people as they ride the waves of the healing process, helping them to hold space for every valid emotion of their human experience. These practices gift us a gentle path back to our natural state of intimacy. They give us the ability to be deeply attuned with others and have true connection and pleasure with ourselves. They remind us of our inherent connection to nature and the right to seek pleasure. My healing process ignited a passion within me that fuels my desires to create meaningful ways of holding space for the healing and transformation of others. Connecting though these tools has been a profound source of healing in my life and I am honored to be able to share this medicine.